Be still and know

For my first blog ever..ahhh weird, I'm a blogger now..I thought Id give you some background on where my heart is in this stage of my life...ya know..so were all on the same page for future reference. Is that alright? Good!

My greatest struggle has always been facing the unknown. I hated it. Hate is a strong word...so that should clarify how I feel about the unknown. Ask anyone who knows me well..they know I hate being lost. It is the worst feeling. That feeling you get when you stop and look around, recognize nothing and have no idea where you came from, and you know with every inch you go..you are probably just making yourself more lost..yea, that feeling...I hate it. I want to take every situation like that and punch it in the face! Thankfully, I have a loving boyfriend looking out for me and lets me use his GPS on trips (shout out, baby :). Maybe I'm just dumb and get myself into scary situations more so than most people. In which case, I should probably be a little worried and concerned anyway. But, in reality..I realized thats how I felt  in my relationship with the Lord.  I grew up thinking "yea, I trust Him. He has plans for me..He's totally got my back..Jeremiah 29:11..blah blah...". What I wasn't thinking about was how superficial my level of faith was. How could I say I trust Him if even...(in the very basic of examples)..the thought of driving to a new place made me want to throw up. I feel like a common lesson I hear from people in their walks with God is learning to trust. I would say that was my issue, but I found it went much deeper then just trusting. With trust aside..my life wasn't grounded on who the Lord really is.

So, Im a college graduate. Woohoo!...yea..avoid it as long as possible though if you can. Just kidding..it's great. But, really..no rush. Anywho, the year of my graduation there were various situations in my life unraveling. Many of which had been slowly for years prior, but that year they hit the spool. It's safe to say..I was a little scared. I had that lost feeling I hate so much constantly, but on a spiritual level. No GPS could or would get me out of that valley (unless we're speaking metaphorically..if so, I have an analogy on that...but that's another blog for ya). Long story short..all ends of every situation left me feeling lost, mad, ugly, stupid, bitter..you can probably come up with more depressing words to add on your own. My family was hurting and I felt like I couldnt be strong anymore. I was always faithful and prayful and crying out to the Lord, but where was He? If I was living my life for Him, why wasn't He showing up when I needed Him most? One day, I cant pinpoint when or how it was exactly...but in the stillness, He was whispering. For so long I was angry and frustrated, too busy throwing a pitty-party for myself (dont rsvp if you ever get invited to one of those) and didnt realize my loss of purpose came from a loss of who God is. I was looking for joy in what I could do to make better the plan the Lord has for me, rather then finding delight in who He is. Without knowing who God is, I had no real joy..and couldnt understand the plan for my life. See the cycle of ridiculousness?

Here was my conclusion..and my biggest life lesson to date...and I have it branded on my foot to forever remind me. No matter who I am, where I am in life or where I am going, He is sovereign. He not only has control over my life, but He deserves control. We act like we can give Him control, but He has it. Its just whether or not we decide to give it up without a fight. With that, as someone who wants to serve Him, I need to see that. Graciously, He is a Lord that gives love and hope and blessings! But, if one day He decided to take it away..that would have to be ok with me. When I finally let that hit me...really, it was more like a smack in the face then a tickle of affection... I knew that where I was going in life didnt matter anymore. My only goal in life is to glorify and serve Him and all that include; love and devotion. This purpose is the plan for my life. In whatever specific plan unraveled before me, my purpose remains true. It will be the same tomorrow as it was the day I gave my heart to Him. It's the same as it was the day He created me. It will be the same the day I get married and the day I have kids. It will be the same if the day comes that the Lord tells me that will never happen for me. It will be the same if I get the job of my dreams or if the Lord allows the roof above my head to be taken away. My purpose would still be the same even if I were a flower or a sparrow. All which were created for His glory; His plan...not mine. Also all of which though He cares for. And so much more for me and you then the birds of the sky. Knowing this so well in my soul as been freeing. So freeing in fact, I know a joy I haven't in all my years of following my Savior. I not only have a the love of a God who knows my heart so well, and will see me through, He allows me to live with a purpose that always falls into His plan. I can try to do things on my own. I can be worried and frustrated, and I can question God's reasoning and authority in every instance. OR I could be still. I could be still and know that God is sovereign. That He is merciful.  That He is good. The unknown isnt as scary when you have peace from a God who provides. Boo-ya scary unknown abyss I like to call the future! You're donesky!

So..with that all said and done...this is my life's challenge. It is a very much a challenge and with it there will be lessons learned and stories to tell. Not to mention probably some absurdities and silliness to share too. I cant promise wonders...I am not that original and creative. But, Im learning and growing..and that definitely gives me something to say...and a reason to write.